Chad With A Chance Of Sparkling?
by KiteDancer
Summary: Seven steps to become the perfect boy... It couldn't be so hard, surely? Channy
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first light-hearted Channy fanfic, so please tell me if you think something's not right about Chad's narrative, or if you think he's OOC at times. All constructive critiscm is taken on board! **

**Disclaimer (which I keep forgetting :p ): I do not own Sonny With A Chance (T-T If only dreams were real) or any of the related characters – and I also do not in any way own Twilight or Edward Cullen.**

Chad With A Chance Of Sparkling

A shrill beep from his computer made him look up at the screen, where the flashing message in the corner told him he had a new e-mail. Half-interested, Chad opened up his emails, clicking on the one unread message in his crowded inbox, glancing at the address of the sender, unfamiliar to him. Another fan. A quick scan of the message and he was already bored. Just another chain mail message telling him yet again how to win the heart of his crush. Lately there seemed to be an influx of emails giving him tips on how to make someone fall in love with him. The reason, he couldn't guess. After all, Chad Dylan Cooper didn't do crushes. He would have expected his fans to know that much, at least. Otherwise they were hardly devoted, were they? With an exasperated sigh to the empty dressing room, he was about to close the window when a knock from the door echoed around the room. Minimizing the screen, he took his time to stroll over to the door, opening it with a dramatic flourish, revealing a glowering Sonny Munroe.

"Chad Dylan Cooper, you are the most obnoxious, pretentious jerk I've ever met!"

He raised an eyebrow.

"Well, thank you."

She pursed her lips, brushing past him into his room with a toss of her head. He found his eyes automatically following her as she walked, noting the way her gleaming chestnut hair swung gently as she strode, the way her hazel eyes sparkled in the bright light, the way...Wait, what on Earth was he doing?! He couldn't look at _Sonny Munroe _like that. That would imply, well...Shaking his head as he turned to face her, she glared at him from the centre of the room, hands on her hips.

"I can't believe you'd do something like this!"

His brow furrowed. Ok, she had officially gone completely and utterly nuts. Not that she wasn't slightly odd before, but...

"Do what?"

She clenched her teeth, thrusting the latest issue of Tween Weekly out in front of him with a shaking hand. He gave an amused snort.

"You actually read that stuff?"

Choosing not to reply to his comment, she took a deep breath, trying desperately to hold on to the anger that seemed to melt away whenever she was confronted with his blue-eyed smile. He gave a long-suffering sigh, turning his attention to the magazine she was holding. Gradually a bigger and bigger smile spread across his face, until he was grinning from ear-to-ear. Slowly, he returned his gaze to hers.

"You saw that, huh."

"Yes. I did." Her voice was barely under control, her usually-warm eyes flashing. "I can't believe you'd do this to me! I trusted you to keep a secret! I guess I was wrong, huh?"

Her face was bitter, eyes gleaming with unshed tears. Oops. Maybe his joke had gone a bit too far.

He took a step forwards, closer to the hunched figure standing next to his laptop.

"Sonny – "

She shook her head abruptly, pushing him back with suprising strength. Snapping her chin back up with a proud defiance, she bit her lip, closing her eyes, trying not to let the tears start running.

"No, Chad. I don't even know how I could have deluded myself enough to tell you stuff like that.

More fool me. More fool me."

With a last glance she ran past him, turning her head to the side so that Chad couldn't see the tear fall down her cheek. She was out of sight before he could even make a move to follow her. The room seemed so quiet and empty without her. Compared to their previous argument, the silence was deafening. Sitting down in his chair with a thump, he glanced back once again at the screen, where the one unread message lay waiting. Maybe it wasn't such a bad idea after all. Opening up the file once again, he rested his head on hands as he read.

_Do you want to win the heart of that one special someone? Well then, all you have to do is follow these seven easy steps to become the perfect man._

This sounded promising – just seven steps?

_Give her smouldering looks from across the cafeteria_

Easy. If not slightly weird.

_Take her to a baseball game_

Well, that would be simple. But a baseball game? Really?

_Save her from a car._

How on earth was he supposed to manage that? No car was going to just conveniently almost run her over, was it? Portlyn's golf cart would have to do. Everything else aside, this list was beginning to sound oddly reminiscent of someone. A very unpleasant someone.

_Take her to a restaurant_

So there was at least one normal condition on this list. Praise the Lord.

_Take her to a meadow_

Again with the weirdness. Who would want to go to some sissy, girly meadow? What would they do, have a picnic? What kind of lame, gross, grass-stain full idea was that?

_Take her to meet your family_

Now that was a deal-breaker. Family. Hm. Could be tricky. His little brother would probably send her running, not to even start on his parents. His mom. The thought sent shivers down his spine. Well, he would cross that bridge when he came to it. If he came to it.

_Take her to prom_

Prom. Loud, noisy, alcohol-filled, drugged-teen prom. Sounded like a ball of fun. His only hope was that somewhere in the crowd, Sonny wouldn't get mugged.

_PS: This list is based off of the amazingly hot, fantastic, gorgeous, sexy Edward Cullen._

His mouth could have fallen off of his head. Edward Cullen? That freaky vamp from Twinight or whatever it was called? How could anyone base the perfect boyfriend on someone who was a fictional character – and stuff that, so obviously gay? Okay, someone like Zac Efron or Chase Crawford he would have accepted – hated, but accepted. But Edward Cullen? Honestly? He was a creepy, blood-sucking, stalker. I mean, who would follow their girlfriend in a car everywhere they went just to make sure they weren't hooking up with other guys or falling off cliffs? Jeez. Overprotective or what? He had half a mind to write an angry email of complaint to the fan – or get one of his PR people to do it – but the nagging voice in the back of his head wouldn't go away. If so many girls liked this Edward then he could hardly be that bad, could he? Could he? Maybe he could... Maybe the entire female population had been brainwashed by the evil Stephenie Meyer as part of her plan to dominate the world with her books... or maybe that was just the result of his overactive imagination and very wishful thinking. With a sigh, he closed the screen. The petulant scowl on his face grew more pronounced. He couldn't believe he was doing this... But Operation Sparkle was go.

**I have absolutely nothing against Edward Cullen or Twilight at all – in fact, I love them ^^ but Chad hates them. Sooo – can we go for five reviews? And then I'll update. ^^ Thankies!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Sorry I haven't updated for a while :P School work is hectic. Thanks for all the reviews guys! So, without further ado, here you go! Please tell me whether you like it!**

Chapter 2

_Objective 1: Smouldering looks from across the cafeteria table_

Chad strolled into the cafeteria feeling pretty confident. One hurried glance at the girl he was trying to pull and it all went downhill. Motioning to Skyler to pull out a chair for him, he could already feel the butterflies in his stomach _– Wait, what the hell was this? Chad Dylan Cooper didn't get butterflies! Chad Dylan Cooper had never had butterflies in his life! Chad Dylan Cooper was an actor. A professional ,non-amateur actor!_

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, he risked a peek back over at her table. She was laughing at some joke one of her lame cast members had cracked, throwing back her head, hair tumbling over her shoulders. Chad was momentarily mesmerised by the smile that spread across her face, dancing on her perfect features, before he realised what he was doing with a jolt. Blinking rapidly, he threw himself into the meaningless chatter of his table with suspiciously enthusiastic gusto. _Ok, time to get to work_. Composing his face into an intense mask, he dragged his gaze back over to her, and it wasn't long before he no longer had to act. The way her hazel eyes shone under the bright yellow lights, the way her ruby lips curved elegantly into an amused smirk, everything about her intrigued him. He could have stared at her for hours, a blind man seeing the sun for the first time. A sharp tap on his shoulder made him jump out of his reverie, scowling at the perpetrator sitting next to him as he rubbed the tender mark on his skin. Portlyn gave him an unsympathetic glare.

"Did you even listen to me?"

He shrugged, raising his eyebrows, watching disinterestedly as she sighed in exasperation.

"Chad, I said that Zac Efron is coming tomorrow to guest star on So Random with that Munroe kid! I thought you hated the guy!"

He blinked.

"I do. Wait – what?"

She raised her eyes to the heavens.

"And they call me the dumb one!"

Taking a deep breath, she leant forwards, placing her hands over his.

"Zac – tomorrow – guest star – So Random – Sonny!"

Every word was emphasised with nods and hand gestures. His brow furrowed.

"Sonny – Zac – So Random – tomorrow – guest star?"

She gave him a long-suffering nod, her smile sugary sweet. Zac Efron was guest starring with Sonny? But that would muck up his whole plan completely! However, it would give him the priveledge of denying an Efron entrance to his set... A brief smile lit up his face, quickly wiped off as he realised he had gotten completely distracted from his mission objective. Brushing his hair back out of his face, he turned his attention back to Sonny, who was now staring into space with a far away expression on her features. It was far too easy to find himself falling into her endless eyes. After a while, she seemed to realise that someone was watching her, glancing over at him, a startled expression on her face as she read the intensity in his gaze. Quickly, she cast her eyes back to the table, blushing, desperately trying to keep her eyes from meeting his.

Another tap on the shoulder for Portlyn to inform him that they were going up for dinner. He got up from his chair, pushing it back, while still trying to keep the contact with Sonny, which wasn't the easiest thing considering he had to negotiate his way through ten square metres of flying food hazards, wet surface signs and raving fans, to name just a few. In fact, it proved rather difficult. So difficult that he didn't pay the slightest attention to Brenda, the dinner lady who was hopelessly in love with his show, resulting in a pile of slop being dumped on his plate with a pout that was rather spoiled by the sparse sprouts of thick black hair on her upper lip. Sonny better appreciate the lengths he was taking to make her happy.

Since she had glanced over his way once more, and once more looked back, blushing, he judged fairly accurately that she was happy enough. Maybe this would be easier than he had first anticipated. Of course, that cocky clapperboy that Chad had thrown his beret at yesterday had to stick out his foot just enough for him to trip. Of course, he had to just land straight in his plate of mush. Of course, he had to have put on the type of pants that just happened to fall down at the slightest disturbance. Of course, he had to have been in the middle of making eye contact with her. Glop duly splattered over every available inch of his perfect face, said girl bursting into helpless laughter, every pair of eyes in the cafeteria turned on Chad Dylan Cooper's demise, he couldn't help but feel like the whole world was out to get him. Or maybe just the evil clapperboy. But, oh, revenge was going to be sweet.

_Objective 1: Succeeded (with minor casualty)_


	3. Chapter 3

**So sorry I've taken so astoundingly long to update! The amount of homework/extra-curricular work I've gotten over the past month is making it hard to cope with writing fics as well. So my update rate is going to be noticeably slower for the while. But thanks for putting up with the wait :p Hope it was worth it!**

Chapter 3

"Hey, Portlyn! I need a small favour."

The ebony-headed girl turned slowly, her expression unimpressed.

"Another one? Already?"

"Already? What do you mean 'already'?"

His voice was indignant. Portlyn rolled her eyes.

"Chad, in the space of ten hours, you've asked me for a pair of pants, teeth whitening paste, dog food for that rat you call a dog – what more could you possibly want that you don't already have?"

He shifted uncomfortably.

"I need your help with something..."

His voice trailed off, and he visibly shrank as she turned the full force of her fabled withering glare upon him.

"What would that be, hm?"

He was beginning to think that maybe it was not such a great idea grovelling to Portlyn for help. He opened his mouth to speak, but promptly decided to shut it again before he could turn to mush. She sighed, grabbing his arm and pulling him over to the sofa, sitting down with a soft 'flump'.

"Don't tell me it's about _that girl_, Chad?"

He shifted uncomfortably on the royal blue sofa. Portlyn tossed her head with another roll of her eyes, sighing.

"You really are stupid, aren't you? Do you honestly think I would do any favours for a member of a rival cast?"

He kept silent. She pursed her lips.

"What exactly is it that you want me to do?"

Her tone was clipped, short. Chad looked up from where he had been staring at his gleaming black shoes, freshly polished by the wardrobe department. He had to act quickly, now that he had her attention. And he had to keep it to the point. He had been to acting school – he knew every single trick in the book. Unfortunately, so did she.

"I need you to run Sonny Munroe over with a golf cart."

The response was instantaneous. A huge grin spread across the other girl's features. She gave him a triumphant smile, clasping one of his hands in hers.

"Well now, why didn't you just say that before? You could have made things so much easier, hm? I never knew you had so much hate in there!"

She gave him a prod.

Now it was his turn to sigh.

"No, Portlyn, I need you to pretend to run Sonny over. Don't ask why, please. Just give me this one."

Her smile vanished rapidly, features morphing into a petulant scowl. Luckily, she deigned to remain quiet, listening as he explained to her the full details of his plan.

"...So you'll meet me in the parking lot at 6.15pm, got that?"

Portlyn nodded briefly, clutching her bribe of a year's subscription to Tween Weekly to her denim jacket. He flashed a quick smile in her vague direction as he got up, dusting his jeans off as he did so. He hadn't any more time for her. There was far too much to be done before six.

**18.15 hours – Objective Two Commence**

She pushed open the double doors with a heave, striding out into the heavy air of Hollywood at night. Wrinkling her nose as she walked past the garbage cans, she looked around her into the purple evening. Already dark at six o' clock. A sure sign that winter was on its way. She could barely see three metres in front of her, let alone make it all the way to her car, parked somewhere across the black tarmac of the lot. Keeping her head to the ground, she made her way over the ground, making sure her gaze was firmly on where she was walking. It would be just like her to trip over her own feet.

"Sonny!"

Her head snapped up instantly at his panicked voice. Suddenly, time seemed to stand still. Chad was sprinting towards her, hands outstretched, face contorted in a mask of horror. Portlyn was behind the wheel, eyes shut tight as she prepared for impact. The golf cart sped towards her, and she was still frozen, arms held in front of her as if she could stop it somehow. Forget falling over, this time she was ending up in hospital. And abruptly she was on the floor, her head knocking against the stone as she landed awkwardly, her arm twisting beneath her as her body hit the tarmac. Her sight was dark as she lay, but she knew that the cart was still travelling, still moving, still on its collision course. After a few minutes, it still hadn't hit here. She frowned, attempted to tug her arm out from underneath her body. Someone seemed to be lying on top of her, blocking her view as she tried to sit up. That someone gave an annoyed grunt as he was pushed onto the cold floor, and raised his head sleepily.

"Chad?!"

"'Ugh. Are you dead?"

She gave him a confused glance, testing her numb arm, flexing it as she ran her hand over it, wincing.

"Umm...no. I'm very much alive."

He frowned, slowly sitting up as he looked around him.

"What?"

Getting to his feet, his eyes searched out Portlyn in the dark, then glanced back to Sonny, still sitting on the parking lot floor. He groaned, smacking his hand to his forehead.

"Jesus, Portlyn...Can't I trust you to get anything right?"

She gave an outraged squeak, jumping out from the car that had stopped before even getting anywhere close to them both.

"Well, _excuse _me!"

Sonny jumped up, hands folded across her chest, glaring.

"Chad, can you please tell me what exactly is going in? 'Cause from where I see it, it kind of looks like you were trying to kill me?"

He ignored her, focusing the brunt of his anger on the raven-haired girl standing before him.

"I asked you to do one thing – just one! And you manage to mess it up!"

He threw his hands up in the air.

"Chad!"

"Sonny, give me a minute! Portlyn, you know this means our deal is completely off!"

"_Chad!_"

"Why do you always get everything I ask you to do wrong?!"

"_Chad!"_

"Wh -!"

She strode up to him, raising her hand and slapping him sharply, his head whipping backwards as he recoiled. His fingers flew up to his face, an angry red mark already blooming on his tanned skin. He gave her an incredulous glance.

"What was that for?!"

She gave him a tight-lipped grin.

"You wouldn't listen to me. So now you can."

He narrowed his eyes back at her.

"Fine. What do you want to say now that you've caused me sufficient bodily harm?"

"You tried to kill me."

He opened his mouth to protest, then stopped. What could he say? That he was trying to complete some stupid chain mail request to win her over? That he had tried to stage a car accident that could have possibly actually killed her? Anything he said would just make things worse.

Her jaw fell, and her eyes widened.

"You actually tried to kill me?!"

Then again, maybe saying nothing was worse.

"I can't believe you! In fact, you're unbelievable! I mean, I knew weren't exactly on speaking terms, but I didn't think we were as bad as this!"

She gave an incredulous laugh.

"So what, am I have to gonna try and kill _you_ now? Huh?"

"Hey, Sonny!"

A new voice joined the conversation, one that Chad immediately despised. A tall, chestnut-headed, blue-eyed teen ran up, black converse slapping on the tarmac. Zac Efron. His self-proclaimed nemesis. Chad's gaze followed him as he walked to stand next to Sonny. Who currently had his arm around the girl he was trying to get. Just another reason to hate the guy. Forcing a smile onto his face (which cost him all of his many years of acting experience), he held out an amicable hand.

"Efron...so we meet."

Zac ignored his handshake, his eyes firmly locked onto Sonny's.

"Are you okay? I thought I heard you, so I came over as quick as I could, and then..."

She gave him a brisk nod, a smile on her face.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just leaving."

Sonny directed her last words at Chad. He blinked, scrambling for words.

"Fine!"

"..."

His brow furrowed.

"What, are you that unhappy with me?"

She took a breath, closing her eyes.

"Chad, just go. Just go."

He gave her a final confused glance, before turning. He was barely four steps away when he turned again, mouth open, words hanging off his tongue. He couldn't let her just go like this. His heart fell as he watched them walk to her car, watched her stand, her hand resting on the door as she reached up to press a kiss on _his_ cheek, whispering a thank you into _his_ ear.

But apparently, she could.

**Objective Two: Failed. Miserably. **


End file.
